Shinobi's Guide 2: Bein' Dead
by Kaori
Summary: Second guide in the return of the series. Nobody seems to stay dead anymore, and even the ones who do have too much to say! So for this Shinobi's Guide, we're seein' dead people. Blame the Original Manga Author!
1. Shodai, Nidame, and Sandaime Hokage

Shinobi's Guide 2: Bein' Dead  
By Kaori

One would think, that after you expire you'd be entitled to a bit of rest, eternal damnation, reincarnation, non-existence, or whatever the heck happened to you after you shuffled off this mortal coil. It is generally understood that once you cease being alive your membership in the World of the Living is revoked. So it's kind of a shock to find yourself brought back as a walking corpse and forced to fight your successor...

"Saru? What the fuck?" blurted out Senju Tobirama he was impassively hit upside the head by Senju Hashirama. "Ow! Oniisan!"

"Language otouto." chided the elder Senju. "Sarutobi." he acknowledged the Sandaime, who was still somewhat reeling from seeing his predecessors summoned. "While I am happy to see you I would have liked better circumstances." he turned to his brother again. "I blame you for this."

"Why me!" Tobirama protested.

"You created this technique, therefore you are to blame for our current predicament." Hashirama replied evenly. "I was quite content being dead. I was cultivating the ultimate zen garden before this."

"You were staring out into the vastness of the universe for decades. There wasn't a garden anywhere to be found!"

"And what could be more zen than that?"

"You..." Before he could get another word out, Orochimaru plunged a kunai with a seal attached into both of their heads.

"That will be quite enough of that." stated the snake summoner. "Now then Sarutobi-_sensei_...DIE!"

Some time later, in the Shinigami's stomach...

"I blame you for this." Hashirama reiterated, as he slapped away Orochimaru's right arm. The blasted thing was seriously irritating.

"If you think I'm going to apologize this is going to be a long eternity." he croaked out. "And could you try to stop strangling me?" he pleaded to Sarutobi.

"Unfortunately, I can't seem to control myself." Hiruzen Sarutobi, now among the ranks of the deceased and currently wringing the neck of his former sensei, apologized.

"It is more than he deserves." Hashirama declared, now using Orochimaru's right arm to fend off the left one.

"But Saru here is the one who sealed us away with the Shinigami!" whined the Nidaime Hokage, who had managed to escape the Sandaime's choke hold and was now jumping up and down on him.

"Which he wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't invented that vile technique." countered the Shodai, joining his brother to gang up on Sarutobi using Orochimaru's arms like clubs. "It is still ultimately your fault."

"You are never going to let this go are you?"

"We're going to be here for all eternity, "never" is all we have. OW! SONOVABITCH!" Orochimaru's arms somehow managed to get loose from his grasp and were now taking their revenge by pulling his hair.

"Language, oniisan." tutted Hashirama.

* * *

_What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously, these damn things just write themselves. I blame Kishimo-troll for this one though. Nobody wants to freakin' stay dead anymore! God damn..._

_Er...anyway, this Guide is unusual as the focus characters aren't the Rookie Nine and technically begins before the time the first set of guides started and then overtakes it._


	2. Yondaime Kazekage, Kin, Zaku, and others

Shinobi's Guide 2: Bein' Dead  
By Kaori

Strictly speaking no one is certain what happens to you after you die, but there is a school of thought that states that whatever it is you personally think happens to you when you die is what you get. Say for instance you believe that after you die you immediately move on to the next plane of existence based on your overall actions while you were alive, then that's what would happen to you. If you and your neighbor happen to die at the same time and he believes that he'll go to fluffy cloud heaven and you believe that you'll cease to exist, you'll both be correct.

This philosophy gets kind of hairy when you get to the people who do terrible things while they are alive and genuinely don't believe that they will be punished because they were doing "what had to be done" or flat out don't see anything wrong with killing a thousand people because you don't like them. There's something unsettling about there being no justice in the grand scheme of things and that, not only is the universe apathetic to what we do, there is no real purpose to anything that we do since we'll all get what we want and not what we deserve.

Thankfully this is the kind of universe where not only do people eventually get what's coming to them, but there are rules and authorities in place to decide your fate.

"Sakin no Mitsumori (1)." a snooty man with a dark hair and a pencil moustache stated. It was the kind of voice that gave the impression of authority and indifference. The Yondaime Kazekage could appreciate the value of such a voice, though what the value of being forced to stand in line before being seen at what looked like a gigantic restaurant podium was lost on him. Behind the man at the podium were two large doors. To the right, was a bar area where, as far as he could tell, there were over a thousand people waiting. "Age forty. Father of three children, widower, Yondaime Kazekage, direct cause of the Great Market Crash in Kaze no Kuni (2), direct and indirect cause of the deaths of over fifteen thousand people, wet the bed until the age of fifteen." several people in the line behind him snickered. "Cause of death: assassination. Please proceed through the door on the left. Your table is waiting."

"Table?" blinked the Kazekage.

"Please sir, you are holding up the line ." Once the Kazekage had exited, the next two souls in line stepped up. "Kin Tsuchi and Zaku Abumi. Both age: fourteen and ninja of Otogakure. Miss Tsuchi is secretly a member of the Otogakure branch of the Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub. Cause of death: human sacrifice. Mr. Abumi is an orphan and has an obsession with bread. Cause of death: human sacrifice." the man behind the podium gave a disdainful sniff. "Wait at the bar."

"What? Wait at the bar? What do you mean by that?" Kin complained. "Why can't I just go in?"

"Miss, as a bit player in the cosmic scheme and the fact that there have been no reservations made for you inside, you must both wait at the bar until you are called."

"Both? You mean I am stuck with this idiot until then?"

"Who are you calling an idiot?" growled Zaku. "Last I checked, I wasn't the one who lost their match by smacking my head into a wall!"

"Oh, like blowing your own arms off is so clever?"

The two dead genin started throwing blows at each other, inevitably ending up on the floor; each trying to make the other even more dead. Suddenly, two ethereal figures wreathed in a black fog appeared and scooped up the startled combatants. They were then dragged to the bar area and forced to take a seat at a bar that seemed to stretch into infinity.

"Next." stated the unfazed man behind the podium. Such occurrences were hardly rare and he was used to such things happening. "Kurama? You are early." This time he seemed surprised.

"I'm also only half here. The brat is having a near-death experience." sighed the tailed beast, annoyed. "The rest of me is giving the kid a hard time as we speak."

"I see..." hummed the man. "Would you like to visit Rikudou-san while you wait for the event to be over?"

"As much as I'd like to see the old man again I think I'll just wait over there." the Kyuubi's yin-side stated, indicating a space near the bar.

"Very well." the attendant nodded, and watched as Kurama ambled over to an area halfway between the bar and the podium. "Next."

"I DON'T BELONG HERE! I DEMAND TO SEE MY LORD JASHIN!" screamed the dead person.

"You know, I will be most relieved when all of you Jashinist idiots finally starve yourselves to death (3). You are late, and have therefore missed your reservation time. Wait at the bar."

"JASHIN-SAMA WILL BE MOST DISPLEASED THAT HIS SERVANT WAS NOT SEEN TO PROPERLY!" screamed the dead person, refusing to leave. He too was dragged off to the bar by the black spirits. The podium attendant clucked his tongue and shook his head at the profanities being uttered before turning his attention back to the waiting line of spirits.

"Next."

* * *

_The inspiration for this chapter is "Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates: Using Philosophy (and Jokes!) to Explore Life, Death, the Afterlife, and Everything in Between"__ by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein._

1) Creative license here since it the manga is almost over and we _still_ don't know Gaara's father's name.

2) According to the manga, when Sunagakure was facing economic strains, the gold dust from the Yondaime Kazekage's Sakin was used as a trade commodity. In my opinion this probably lead to a saturation of gold in the market decreasing its overall worth, upsetting the economy and leading Suna into more economic problems.

3) According to the second fan book, this is what is happening to Hidan since Shikamaru dismembered him and trapped him underground. Your headcanon may be different.


End file.
